MUSTAFA UNAL [NEMPHTIS]
Founder
Nobody knows why this loud bastard is still leading the team, but we suppose nobody has the balls to question it. Nemphtis handles nearly all aspects of running Zetzio behind the scenes, and probably does a poor job of it because he’s so damn lazy. He also writes for some gaming websites, but lord knows what kind of favours he had to do for that. In fact he’s probably a terrorist, just look at that name.
DAN DAVIES [DARFURIA]
Developer
Darfuria slaves away on the team’s website and forums, constantly fixing and improving the things we break. He has long hair, we assume he’s probably a hippy. When he’s not spreading peace and love with his coding skills, he also loves to play videogames. Too bad he rarely plays with us online, probably because he can’t see the TV with all that hair in his face.
ANTHONY YEATES [DIABLOCABLEGUY]
Elite Player
The biggest Achievement whore in Zetzio. Diablo has a posh accent, so it’s highly possible he’ll become prime minister when he’s older and take Zetzio away from Nemphtis. Adopted at a young age and forced to live with his whore of a sister, Diablo’s life has been traumatic prior to joining Zetzio. He now enjoys a normal life with Nemphtis, sharing midget porn among his fellow team members.
JAMIE MAUDE [ZTO JAMIE]
Elite Player
Nothing stands out about Jamie. He has no previous criminal record and skips school frequently to play on Xbox Live - loyalty at its finest. Probably one of the rare few who is quite normal compared to the rest of the team, Jamie’s one of the more active members of Zetzio. He’s so normal in fact, that even his Gamertag is dull. Before changing to ‘ZTO Jamie’, he used the infinitely more original name of ‘Jamiemaude’. Unimaginative wanker.
MICHAEL KOSMINSKY [DARK SAGE ZTO]
Elite Player
As indicated by his Elite rank, Sage is one of our more skilled players in the team. He also has a big mouth, and likes to say stupid shit that gets him owned afterwards. On the rare occasions where he does win a debate, we imagine he masturbates violently as a form of celebration. Now regarded as the most spoiled member of Zetzio, he gets more gifts for his birthday than the aid given to third world countries.
KURTIS HILL [KURTEUS MAXIMUS]
Player
Apparently doesn’t like being called Kurtis, well too bad mother fucker. Kurtis seems to be exceptionally good at getting grenade kills on games, further proof that Zetzio is actually a front for an Al Qaeda training camp. That was a joke, so stop monitoring us, we’re looking at you FBI. Kurtis also seems to have a passion for football, so we’d like to be the first to tell him that the team he supports probably sucks. Fuck your couch, Kurtis.
JACOB MCCORMICK [JACOBMCO]
Player
Jacob is new to the team, and possibly our youngest member (paedophile bait). Don’t let that scare you though, he’s not one of those hyperactive shits. Jacob is so young in fact, that he still has to take many orders from his mummy. These include when he can sign onto Xbox Live, and when he can have enough pocket money to afford some sweets, let alone a videogame. You’re probably thinking he must be nine or something, but no, poor old Jacob is actually fourteen. Ouch.